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(43 votes) Published: Jun 27, 2009 11:07 p.m. Viewed 278 times
This is a guide on how to do possibly the most fun- and the most funny- prank on society. It also yields some pretty interesting results. Here is the goal: to make yourself look completely and utterly retarded in the eyes of random people around you (for some of you, that isn’t much of a problem).
Step 1: Determining if you have the balls and/or the lack of conscience to do it, if it turns bad. If you can’t, film someone else doing it.
Step 2: Work on the mentality. You need to learn to turn your brain off. To, temporarily, have the mind of a child. There are lots of ways to achieve this. Meditation, remembering back to when you were a child, watching enough Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job until you actually like it. Or, you could just do what I did and stare into a strobe light for an hour then sniff some glue. That gets you really retarded for a day and gets you the mind of a child.
Step 3: Work on the appearance. Wear clothes that do not match. Wear them like someone tried to help you put them on and gave up. For example, really unfaded blue jeans, one ankle rolled up, backwards, with an inside out lime green t-shirt. Make sure to make this obvious. Wear your hair a little bit messed up, and a little like your mom combed it for you.
You will have to have a very convincing and severe stutter and a slight twitch, but not too much. As a bonus, try to teach yourself how to move one eye independently from the other. It is possible, for I can do it and I have taught others to do it. You have to understand how your eyes track things and be able to track one of the two pictures you see when you go cross-eyed.
Also, walk like you are slightly drunk. You want your step distance to be less-than-normal, and you want to stumble a little bit every once in a while. One more thing. Make sure you make a run to a place where they sell shoes. Buy the most ridiculous, most colorful shoe that they sell, something that a young child would choose because of how "pretty" it is. If it lights up when you walk, you have hit the jackpot. It does not matter when it comes to shoe size, as buying a shoe too large for you would cause them to fall off all of the time, and would leave you a lot of chances to make strangers tie your shoes for you. Buying a shoe too small would also work if you stuck your feet out of the back of it. Make sure you wear a pair of some type of ridiculous wool sock (the type that you get for Christmas from a relative who dosn’t understand what a good gift is.
Remember to work the drool a little- that is an important part. If you eat, never close your mouth, and leave crumbs over everything.
Step 4: Find an acquaintance who is a good friend and is great at acting and improvisation. It would be a bonus if he looks like you, so he could say that he is your brother and he is watching you to anyone that asks, and act like he is watching you. For example, prying you off people when you hug them. If you want to, find another person and make them film you. Then post the link in the comments.
Step 5: Learn how to make your emotions and behaviours change on a dime convincingly. You want to look completely bipolar in order for that. This is important: Do not try to go retarded and sad at the same time, it will backfire or your conscience will not be able to handle it. Usually, angry will substitute well. If you absolutely have to, only do it for a maximum of thirty seconds then become really happy about something and run off randomly.
Step 6: Make a plan of what to do, where to go, and how much time you should spend before you retreat. If you don’t do this people could find out you are faking before you are gone.
Be creative. I once did this in an ice cream shop and got free ice cream because I started yelling that I wanted strawberry, which we knew they didn’t have. With my fake brother next to me, looking annoyed and slightly sad, they gave me a large chocolate ice cream, to which I proclaimed "Yay!!! Strawberry!!!" and ran out the door.
Always remember, if you have any trouble trying this, try to picture yourself as a real retard. This should help:
Jun 28, 2009 2:39 pm - No, the ice cream wasnt free, at least not for me. I just ran out and they made my friend pay for it. He was so mad he punched me in the arm.
Jun 28, 2009 4:49 pm - No, I wrote this myself. It took me two hours of writing, and a long time of editing. I was up so late, I started to hallucinate when I posted it.
Jun 29, 2009 11:06 am - This is good if you pass by your city’s Scientology Center. Some of the more attractive members are always outside, trying to get people to come in off the street and take a psychological exam.
When they do this to you, look really frightened, and shout loudly:
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